jacked up blog

So, I have 2 dogs. They eat, they poop, they stare at me, and they sleep. That’s about it. I can’t imagine most dogs in America do more than that. So, why in the hell are there so many dog blogs?! Not only do they blog, but people subscribe to their blog and leave comments on their blog. What I want to know is how are all these people reading dog blogs and not mine! I mean, I do like, at least twice the stuff that my dogs do. I’m more interesting than my dogs… aren’t I?

Random note: My blog doesn’t recognize the word “blog.” My dog couldn’t have made that observation.

Our dogs, Cookie (bottom) and Beans (top), in one of their favorite past times. For all those who didn’t believe when I told them they did this.

1. My husband- Best geek evar.

2. Micheal Cera- If you don’t know why by now, then why are you reading my blog.

3. Justin Long- He’s not only the geek that gets hit in the head with a wrench, but he’s the cool geek in the Mac commercials. And, hello! He’s dating Drew Barrymore.

4. Anthony Michael Hall- Nobody did geek better in the 80’s.

5. John Francis Daley- Sam from Freaks and Geeks. “You have a beautiful body.”

That I want George Michael and Maeby to end up together, even though they’re cousins?

That I got excited that I only paid $3.08/ gallon for gas this morning?

That I look at the NSA pictures on my local Craigslist?

That I actually like Japanese gameshows?

That I would rather kiss Jack Black over Matthew McConaughey?

That I’m SO in love with Michael Cera?

That you’re reading my blog?

1. Jesse Custer from Preacher comics- If you haven’t read them, you just don’t know. He’s out to do what’s right and he totally fucks up anyone who gets in his way.

2. Edward Norton from Fight Club- Need I say more? I am Tyler Durden.

3. Uma Thurman from Kill Bill Vol. 1 & Vol. 2- I needed to find a lady to be on my badass list, and I couldn’t think of anyone better than The Bride. “Bitch… you haven’t got a future.”

4. Bruce Campbell from all Evil Dead movies- If ever I have a son, I want to name him Ash Tyler Durden Bouvier, however, my husband would soon veto this. “Shop smart, shop S-Mart.” “This is my Boom Stick!” “Groovy.” “I’m bad Ash, and you’re good Ash. You’re a goody little two shoes.” OK, enough. But feel free to add any.

5. Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises- He went balls out for this role… literally. He fucked someone up with his dick hanging out, so he HAS to be in my top 5.

Runners up: Marv from Sin City- Badasses don’t have to be handsome.
Freddy Rodriguez from Planet Terror- Badasses can come in small packages.
Matt Damon in Bourne Identity- Badasses use Filipino martial arts. That’s right bitches!

NOTE: One of my all time favorite badasses is Brock Samson. He isn’t on this list because he’s so badass that he deserves his own post.

Damn your breath stinks!

This is what Andrew Zimmern’s poo looks like.

WTF?! Great, mom must have run out of blog ideas.

Do we have to watch Idol, AGAIN?! I hate that fucking Seacrest.

Who do you think hates those stupid medleys the most?  Jason, because all his stoner friends are laughing at him?  Michael Johns, because he’s too old for this shit?  Jim Carey, because he’s thinking “Didn’t I used to be funny?”  Or how about me?  It’s like watching Brangelina’s Brady Bunch offspring 10 years from now.  Ooooh… American Idol: Brady Bunch theme night!  David Archuleta can be Cindy!

So, do you think David Hernandez was voted off because he had a bad performance or because America wasn’t ready to have a gay stripper in the top 11?  Yeah, definitely the performance.  Ah, poor David Hernandez.  I won’t miss you.

I have a blog.  And people are reading it (thanks to all 5 of you!).

Weird. 

Can Ryan and Simon just do it already?! Jeez, the sexual tension between those two isn’t only obvious, but distracting.

Alright, just a few observations tonight, I have Benedryl coarsing through my veins.

Jason Castro holding a guitar, looking into the camera and singing: dreamy. But, you’ve heard of ugly criers, well Jason is kind of an ugly singer (sorry Zsa). He just has all these really weird facial expressions and it doesn’t help that the camera gets an upshot of his nose.

Carly Smithson killed it tonight, but here’s the thing: She’s already had a major record deal about 6 years ago, but her album flopped. So, it’s great that she’s getting a second shot, she’s obviously talented. But what I hate is that American Idol makes it sound like she moved here from Ireland and has been a down on her luck artist, when the fact is that she already had a chance.

I want to hate David Cook so badly and when he started to sing Eleanor Rigby, I thought, here it is, he sucks. By the end of the song I turned to my husband and said let’s name our daughter Eleanor and call her Ellie for short. So, yes, I don’t hate him. In fact, I kind of like him. Please don’t stop reading my blog because I said that!

Poor David Archuleta. He reminds me of someone who just auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Club. He looked so awkward and he forgot the words. It was too painful. I couldn’t watch. He looked like a Monchichi caught in headlights. And he kept doing this weird head shake thing and sticking his arm out. And he forgot the words. Did I mention that forgot the words? Poor David Archuleta.

I’m sleepy.

One zombie, so what. Two zombies, who cares. 30 zombies, I just shit my pants. They’re slow and stupid and ugly, but they multiply exponentially and then we’re all fucked. The threat of zombie attack is so real that our family actually has a zombie plan. In making our zombie plan, I’ve come up with some pretty creative ways to kill zombies. And, you can’t just kill them, you have to kill them and say something super cheesy.

Example 1: A zombie is attacking me in my bathroom, so I reach for my hot curling iron and jam it throught the zombies eye and say “Looks like you won’t be needing a makeover.” Cheese-tastic!

Example 2: After a long struggle with a zombie, I hit him with a baseball bat. On the third hit, hit head goes flying off and I say “Three strikes and you’re out.” Mac and Cheesy!

Example 3: I see a zombie coming and I start doing all these really awesome break dance moves, and when she gets closer I leg swipe her and kick her head in and I say “You just got served!” Cheese-alicious!